The last 7 days.
Last week at this time I felt strong in Christ. I felt so blessed and so strong in Him. I was in the word, I stayed busy during idle time, and I really just had the mindset of obeying Christ.
This whole 'refinement process' is new to me. Convictions in the past were overlooked. Kind of like the idea of 'yah I'll probably get cancer for laying out in this hot sun, but it feels too good to worry about it now'.
But now, now I am. Again like I've stated in my previous blog post, its nothing I've done. I didn't even want this for me. For some reason Christ is giving/gifting me the strength to do this. Hes allowing me to see my convictions and really want to change.
'apart from me you can do nothing' John 15:5
Getting back to the last 7 days. Looking back I see what happened. I was coming off of my 3rd week of this whole process and I letting it get to my head. I thought I could handle all my struggles and tempations on my own.
Now I didn't really think those exact thoughts in my head but I did stop reading my devotion, the bible, and started watching a few as we call it in my home 'red flag' shows. And.just.like.that. I was back to my old ways.
But it gets worse.
by Tuesday I was actually bargaining with Jesus. You see its fall soon and all, ALL the good shows are coming back on TV. Just typing this now I feel temptation. I love,LOVE getting my fall line up every year. I love picking out the new shows I want to check out, and revisiting all the old shows.
There's one show in particular I really, REALLY love. But I feel convicted watching it.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Lord. Please let me be able to handle this show.'
'Its just a show and everyone watches it and I its so entertaining.'
'I promise it won't shape me or make me want to do the things it does on the show.'
Those ^^^ were just some of the arguments I had with Jesus this last tuesday.
I don't want to name the show because for me personally its convicting, but to others it may not be at all and I don't want anyone to think they shouldn't watch it, this again is a personal struggle.
The underlying premise of this show is an affair.
Its hot, steamy, and watching it I find myself wanting that.
I want to have an affair.
Since I was a young teen I have always been drawn to the movies, shows, and books that entertain or flat out showcase an affair. The secrets, the sneaking around, the newness, and danger all appealed to me. And I know I am not the only one who likes these story lines.
Looking now with this whole process I see that most if not all popular movies, chick flicks, shows, popular romance novels-ALL have some sort of an affair in them or element of an affair in them.
This week I really struggled with this, with having to give up the show that had the steamy affair that I really, REALLY love.
By Wednesday I had decided I would watch the first episode when it comes out this fall and see how I feel from there.
I woke up on Thursday with a heart full of rebellion. I was getting mad at this whole process.
I battled all day with Christ. I wanted to go back to my old ways, habits and not give a crap!
'Its just shows and sex. Its just affairs and love. Its just human nature God!'
I was so worn out by Thursday evening with all the battles I decided to go to target by myself and get away from everything.
The guy I almost had an affair with when I first got married.
He was my first love and seeing him there in target my knees buckled.
I was so weak already. And he looked just like he did when we were 17 and in love.
We smiled, had small talk, and that old connection was there. It had never went away. We talked a normal amount of time, said our goodbyes and I went on shopping.
But the whole rest of the night and Friday I thought about him and how we could easily, EASILY have an affair. I thought of how we could sneak around, get away with this, and still live our lives untainted.
I was a mess my Friday evening and had a huge fight with my sweet husband over nothing. I couldn't tell him I bumped into 'that guy who I almost had that affair with' (he of course knows who he is being the hell we went through the 1st year) our first year of marriage.
By saturday I was crawling back to Christ, back to my devotional, my Bible, my refinement process.
Not even 7 days and I let my guard down and almost had an affair. 6 days really.
I thought I could handle my weaknesses on my own. And I made a wreck in 6 days.
You see I always thought I was just the type of girl/person to want to have an affair. But really I think anyone is capable of having it or tempting with it. Not just men who seem to be the ones who start it.
We as women are very vulnerable and I believe personally that these shows, movies, and books that showcase these affairs don't help!!!!
I don't want to go all baptist preacher but I think putting those ideas in our heads just makes us look at our marriages as boring, not enough.
At least that's how I see it.
You see before I bumped into that guy at target, that Wednesday night I had a marathon watching session with that show with the steamy affair. I'm not saying that show made me think the way I did, but I didn't have my mind on Christ.
And look where that took me.
My almost affair nearly wrecked me 3 years ago and just like that I don't acknowledge Christ in the ways I should and BOOM I'm about to do it again!
This verse came to me friday, I wasn't looking for this passage, but clearly Jesus wanted me to read it.
'They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not
only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight
anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession,
addicted to every sort of perversion. But that’s no life for you. You
learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to
him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in
Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance,
everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life
has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take
on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed
from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately
reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4: 17-24 The Message
I believe Christ had this passage written just for me! Nah not really but that Friday night reading this I felt like I was coming back.
I've learned Christ!
And I've paid careful attention to Him!
And He's so wonderful, and gracious that I want to be better for Him!
Hes my one true love!!!!
Love this quote
"For every look at yourself, take ten looks at Christ. He is altogether lovely. -Robert Murray McCheyne
He really is. I was driving up to one of my favorite places to shop today alone and Christ really was weighing on my heart to share this conviction with you. This want to have an affair temptation/struggle. I was really mad at first at the idea of sharing this personal struggle, but Jesus really allowed me to see that these convictions I have and have been sharing with you are truly a blessing for me! The fact that I feel conviction is a blessing! Not a curse like I thought all this last week.
He then put this passage in my heart today on my drive home.
Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
a father’s delight is behind all this.
Proverbs 3:5-12 (The Message)
Oh how I am thankful that Jesus lovingly corrected me this week and will continue to do so!
I'm so thankful He doesn't give up on us when we almost have affairs or actually have flow blown affairs!
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.
For 6 days I didn't listen to Gods voice or follow in His will for me and I made a mess of things.
But now I hope going into this new week I can continue to dive into the word and find more passages that fuel my want to overcome my struggles. I find when I am obedient to Him I feel a connection like no other. Its beyond words. Tonight on this Sunday I feel Him again, I feel His strength again, and I pray I can go to Him this entire week for everything.
Because of Christ,