Wednesday, August 20, 2014

I want to share in this journey.

no scratch that.

I'm scared to share in this journey.

For many reasons.

But mostly I don't want to come off as judgmental or 'baptist preacher on you'.

I'm convinced Jesus wants me to share in this journey.
Since revealing my struggles with worldly sex and 'soft core porn' I have felt such a peace, such a happiness I cannot explain in words, such a 'yes Emily you are doing this for me and its good (Christ speaking in terms), and I feel for the FIRST time ever in my life like I'm actually doing Christ work. Like I'm actually listening to Him and aligning with His will.

Now before I go further, I've personally done nothing. Christ has blessed me with a heart to be more like His. Meaning, I didnt reveal, submit, change, behave, obey, without Him helping and pushing me to do this. I take no glory in this. Its alllllllll from Him.

My first post was very long so I'm going to keep this short and focus today on my struggles to 'die to self' and ridding my life of all the temptations.

I am in a bible study called "Bible Study Fellowship" also known as "BSF". Its all over the world and both a men and women bible study. I happen to be in the daytime womens bible study on the southside of Indy. (if you are more interested in being apart of it email me (

So I love/adore BSF. I started 5 years ago and its truly brought me such wisdom on the bible, God, His character, and how I'm to live as a christian on this earth.
So blah blah blah I'm not going to go over everything I've learned from being apart of BSF, it would take all week to just begin to format the wisdom gained. But I will share with you something I learned way back in my first year at BSF.

Ann (the teaching leader at the time) was talking about living a life for Christ. I was in my early 20s and remember thinking, 'oh that does not sound fun'. She touched on how the only way we can live for Christ, is to well die to self. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Die To Self.

At the time again 5 years ago. That was just like too much to handle. I was in no way ready to give up my wants/desires/hobbies/lifestyle to be more like Christ. Not just because I was SELFish, but I couldn't fathom Christ. I had never really ever studied the word (Bible). So I knew really very little about Christ.
But as the years went by, each year in BSF I learned more and more about Christ. But most importantly His character.

You see in order for me to have changed, or wanted to change I had to fall in love with this guy that died for me on the cross (not like in the romantic lovely way but in a 'He's my savior way). It had to become personal. It took 4 years but last year in BSF we studied Matthews. 

Oh on a side note: when I opened up Matthews to kind of restudy for this blog post, I felt this overwhelming feeling of Christ right by me, it felt very sacred, very touching.

So basically the book of Matthew is about Jesus, His life from beginning to end and all that happened in it. Matthew was one of his disciples. This is the study where I fell in love with my savior, Jesus. After studying it for 9 months at the end I wanted to stand on a table and proclaim His greatness and holiness but didn't want to seem weird! lol

My favorite part I studied were the 'Beatitudes'

You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

Matthew 5:3-10

(From The Message version)

When I first read them, also read them in the 'NIV' version if you feel inclined, I felt overwhelmed. Its not at all the way the world wants us to be. The beatitudes basically boil down to 'dying to self'. And once again it was like 'no way God, I like me'. 
Its been about  a year since I first read the beatitudes, and since then, I've thought about those lines, all of em, almost daily. Even when I don't want to think about them I do. That can only mean Jesus wants me to bank my thoughts on these scriptures.

I feel like most of the beatitudes are happening in my life right now because of my revelation/Gods blessing of opening my heart for obedience.

In many ways I feel 'at the end of your rope'. Its both liberating to know I'm onto a 'new rope' that's for Christ, but also I'm afraid I wont be relevant in this world. I won't be cool.  

At times I feel  Ive 'lost what is most dear to me'. That being my books, shows, movies, hobbies, that I feel I can no longer be apart of. Satan has been really good this last week at making me feel I'm missing out by giving up 'the good'. 

But I also feel 'content'. So take that Satan! God has blessed me beyond all measures in so many ways. In my thoughts, my strengths, my idle time, and just the ability to obey Him. I feel content to obey Him. THIS IS HUGE for me! 

My 'appetite' is growing for Christ. I feel full in my life in a way that can only be attributed from Christ himself! That in and of itself is enough for me to continue on this journey! 

God has put me in certains lives at  this exact time to be 'caring'.  I have all these NEW passions I didn't know I had (because they were being masked by my worldly desires). I see myself helping young girls and showing them what sex is all about and how they perceive sex and themselves. I should note I don't know if this will happen but I feel God pulling me in this direction!

I know my 'heart and mind are being put right'. I'm convinced I'm doing this for Christ and because of it I feel a happiness I didn't know existed. 

I never thought I would ever really get the 'beatitudes' or at least not share in them. Its wonderful to know I'm apart of something that Christ preached and believed in!!!!

Okay so this was a little longer than I wanted it to be. 

I'm giving up many tv shows and movies, books, things I view online, and what I allow myself to see, that have sex or things that don't align with Gods will for me.

Its been both really challenging and so liberating this last week. I'm so thankful for Christ who gave me the courage, the obedience, and the words to share in this journey! 

To those who have been praying for me and have been such an encouragment- Thank you! 

To those that just don't understand my journey I hope I shredded some new light today. I hope to continue to share in this and hopefully help those who are struggling with sexual/worldy sins and desires.


I'll leave you with a passage written from Paul and I feel it most describes my life right now. 

And I’m going to keep that celebration going because I know how it’s going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done. I can hardly wait to continue on my course. I don’t expect to be embarrassed in the least. On the contrary, everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn’t shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose.
Philippians 1:18-21 

aside from the jail part, I feel like I'm apart of something bigger, something for Christ! 
and in the end its because of Christ. 

Yes, because of Christ, and rightfully so, 


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