Imploding

When Jesus became clear to me back in June of this year (June 25, 2014 to be exact) it was very much like an implosion. 


Implosion:  a bursting inward,The act or action of bringing to or as if to a center. To become greatly reduced as if collapsing. 

When a building is being imploded it is described like this: 

  the strategic placing of explosive material and timing of its detonation so that a structure collapses on itself in a matter of seconds, minimizing the physical damage to its immediate surroundings, which reduces to seconds a process which could take months or years to achieve by other methods.

So when a building or bridge or something big needs destroyed, cleared, or redone it takes planning, perfect placement, and controlled explosives that reduce any major outward damage.


So again back on June 25th, Jesus late at night after a bible study imploded all around me. That night I realized who Jesus was to me and how I wanted Him to be to me. I saw Him as glorious and worthy for the first time in my life with my life.

You see I was already a christian. I believed in Jesus as my messiah. Boiling that down, I believe God and Jesus at the beginning of time, really before time itself decided that Jesus would come to this earth and give up his life at 30 something years of age on a cross and then three days later come back to life. Why He did this? As a believer or christian I believe because of a word "covenant".

Why am I talking about Covenants you say?!

I don't want to talk about such a heavy topic. Really Jesus? You want me, small 27 year old Emily, a girl whose can't write, to share in the Covenant of you. The 'good news' or 'the gospel' as the bible calls it. Jesus your crazy to think I can do this. But I'm going to try, TRY to share with you fine people what I have learned about this word 'covenant'.

Well if you have read my past blog post you know I love a good dictionary definition so first things first....

Covenant: An Agreement or promise between two or more parties. 


 Lets rewind a bit and talk about a guy named Moses. To keep this part short, though almost impossible. Moses was born at a really bad time. There was a king who didn't dig the Israelite people. Which Moses happen to be. So this king was brutal toward them and made them slaves. He also wanted some population control so he ordered the midwives to kill any newborn Israelite boy born. (you can find this scripture in Exodus chapter 1-2). 

So Moses was born at this exact time and God of course knowing all, made sure to protect this little perfect baby boy. Its a childhood bible story. Mom hides baby til she can't anymore. Weaves a basket to act as a boat and sends her little baby boy down the Nile. The kings daughter who as history states, couldn't have babies, sees this baby and takes him as her own! 

There is more to his young life but keeping this short he grows up with this princess mother and is given the best possible life ever. He has many riches, an education to envy, and is trained in all areas of life as a young man.

Okay so Moses is called by God to give up that life in Egypt where he grew up by the way, and be with his people, the Israelites. The slaves to the Egyptians.

Fast forward and he gets those slaves out of Egypt. Its no easy task and quite the entertaining story (found in Exodus 6-12).

And now he is in charge of all these former slaves in a desert with no home and a whole new way of living. 

But the people suck. Like most people do. But in their defense the situation seems quite crazy if your one of the Israelites. They are in the desert (millions of them mind you) and hungry and thirsty and tired. 

They have witnessed miracle after miracle from God through Moses. But still when your hungry and wandering in a dry, hot land. Anything can seem dire. 

So God knows these people, they are His chosen people. He just chose them. I don't know why but He did. So He takes Moses up to a mountain and tells Moses how he and these people are to live.
You see these people had been slaves to the Egyptians for 430 years. They were not good at knowing how to live as free people. In fact like I said just before, they sucked at it. 

He tells Moses laws they should follow and keep (really specific laws and ways of living, still many modern laws are formed from these) and gives Moses instructions on how to make this place (the Tabernacle) where God himself with dwell. He keeps Moses up on that mountain for 40 days giving clear instructions on how to build this place, whose to run it, how to run it, and how to deal with a, b, and c type situations. 

So Moses is on this mountain for 40 days. Its says in scripture:


Then Moses climbed the mountain. The Cloud covered the mountain. The Glory of God settled over Mount Sinai. The Cloud covered it for six days. On the seventh day he called out of the Cloud to Moses. In the view of the Israelites below, the Glory of God looked like a raging fire at the top of the mountain.

Moses entered the middle of the Cloud and climbed the mountain. Moses was on the mountain forty days and forty nights. Exodus 24:15-18 The Message version.

So this is where I come in. No I wasn't on that mountain with God and Moses. But I get the cloud thing. 

When I felt Jesus imploding on my life, it felt like a cloud surrounding me. Not just that June night. But that whole summer, and even now. I felt like Jesus had me surrounded, very much like when your in a plane and fly through a big cloud. You look out that tiny window and only see cloud and nothing else. 

That June night Jesus opened my eyes just enough to see how wrong I was living. But He didn't just like lay it all out that night for me to become overwhelmed with. He kept and is keeping me close to him in this figurative 'cloud' showing me my ugly ways of life little by little. Changing and instructing me, little by little. 

You see I think God knew Moses needed 40 days with Him on that mountain with the cloud. I see the cloud as almost a protective barrier between Moses and the world he lived in. He gave Moses time to understand everything He had planned for him and the people. He didn't just bring Moses up on that mountain one night and throw at him all he was to do with these people, how to build this, how to govern that. That would have been crazy. Poor Moses would have been left feeling so burdened down. 

And I think that's what is happening in my life now. Jesus is still imploded all around me. I'm a walking controlled bomb. Watch out! Just kidding, no but really! 

So one of the things God really wanted to make clear with Moses in that cloud of awesomeness was how the people were to act with God and how they were to atone for their suckiness or sinfulness if you want to get technical.

So Jesus wasn't born yet at this time. There was no savior or cross or resurrection to help. 

Okay before I go on, this blog subject has plagued me the last two months or so. What I'm trying to do is break down why I follow Jesus. 

and This verse sums up me right now with this blog and refinement journey.

From Paul, a bond servant of Jesus Christ (or a slave to Jesus) called to be an apostle or (messenger) set apart to spread the good news. Romans 1:1 amp version. 

So I'm no apostle or even close to being like Paul (another awesome guy from the bible) but I feel bonded to Christ or a slave (a happy slave by the way) to share this next part. Here we go! 


Okay so God needed blood for atonement from these sinful people. These people were descendents of Adam and Eve. You know those two! The two first people who totally dropped the ball and sinned again God and created this thing called sin in the world. 

So going back to the beginning when Adam and Even sinned they had to be covered up. With clothes. Because before eating that forbidden fruit, they were naked and didn't know they were. But they ate that fruit and God killed animals and gave the sinful couple skins to wear as clothes. Blood was spilled to get the skins that covered Adam and Eve. It was the first sacrifice. 

And fast forward to Moses and those people in the desert. Yeah you guessed it, there needed to be blood spilled. 


In fact, the law requires that nearly everything be cleansed with blood, and without the shedding of blood there is no forgiveness. Hebrews 9:22 NIV version 






So when Moses was with God on that mountain all those days and nights, God really gave Moses every last detail of how He wanted the tabernacle to be built (again the place where they would be sacrificing, worshiping, and where God dwelled)and all the details on what animal to kill, where to put the blood, how much, and the times of year they were to 'atone' for their prior sins. 




The tabernacle had many elements to it, but my favorite was the curtain. There was the spot in that great building that had the Holy Place and The Most Holy Place. These places were each unique. God made sure Moses knew how to deal with these places when he was instructing him on that mountain. 


The Holy Place was where the priest would enter and communicate with God daily. 
The Most Holy Place was where God himself was. The priest only entered that place once a year with the blood for the sacrifices of the peoples sins.

(noted: God is omnipresent, He's everywhere, But God had a bigger picture in mind when he made that extra holy place, so just go with it)


So for many, many years and generations this is how it was done. There would be the priest, the blood, that holy and most holy room. Lots of animals slaughtered, lots of blood spilled. 


So that bigger picture thing. Yeah God loves bigger picture references. They are laced throughout the entire old and new testament. The nucleus of that bigger picture is...



Jesus. 




You see God didn't look down at the people and see how they were failing miserably, even with all those blood sacrifices and say "hey I should have just thought of something else this isn't working.... so let me send my son". He didn't throw Jesus down on this earth out of desperation. It was all planned from the beginning. 


The Son is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. 

He is before all things, and in him all things hold together.

For God was pleased to have his fullness dwell with him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his BLOOD, shed on the cross. 

Colossians 1:15-20 NIV version (verses above aren't complete 15-20, just snip its)


So Jesus comes in the picture. Ah finally, take a breath. ahhhh.


I won't make you read my short version of Jesus' life on earth. I didn't do the best job of making Moses life short for this blog so I'm just going to get to the good stuff...


Proof! Blood! Final sacrifice!


So when Jesus died on the cross that curtain I told you about a few paragraphs up, well that thing ripped down the middle the second he died. 

 
  And when Jesus had cried out again in a loud voice, he gave up his spirit.   At that moment the curtain of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom.  Matthew 27:50-51 NIV version


That curtain separated The Holy Place from The Most Holy Place. Seeing it?

The bigger picture?

Jesus is the curtain! God while telling Moses where to put that big curtain, knew that is was a picture of his son! 

I love a good bigger picture. It gives me all the right feels.

So that curtain ripping showed that Jesus was the ultimate sacrifice. There was no need for those holy rooms or animals blood. The ultimate sacrifice had been made. 


He did not enter by means of the blood of goats and calves; but he entered the Most Holy Place once for all by his own blood, thus obtaining eternal redemption. Hebrews 9:12 NIV version

 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your ancestors,  but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. 1 Peter 1:18-19 NIV version 


So Jesus took care of it once and for all. What a relief to not have to slaughter a lamb or goat. We have Jesus and all we have to do is believe who He says He is. 

Like I said before, I was a christian before Christ imploded around me this summer. I believed and loved Jesus. But I never really followed Him. Following Jesus is not just believing he died for me and rose again. That's just the tip of the iceberg. Jesus wants us to become holy. We are not to be like the world. Which is sinful and run by His enemy. In my own personal growth the last 5 months, Jesus has made drastic cuts from my life. He got to the nitty gritty stuff, the sexual stuff, the shows, the movies, things that were really defining who I was and said 'NO, your not going to live like this anymore'. He changed my desires and has given me strength to stop my old sinful habits. 

If I didn't stay in the word (the Bible), the whole refinement process wouldn't be a process. I would have given up and been influenced by the world once again. There have been many times throughout this process where I want to give up, watch that movie, read that book that has lots of sex in it. But Jesus is still imploded all around me. He keeps showing me ways to be like Him, and in turn I have these amazing blessings. Its not just the blessings, but He seems to be killing my past desires and giving me new gifts and hopes! So Following Jesus is so much better of a payoff than going back to my old ways. 



That precious, precious blood has saved me from myself and this world. 

 
[Christ, the Messiah] is therefore the Negotiator and Mediator of an [entirely] new agreement (testament, covenant), so that those who are called and offered it may receive the fulfillment of the promised everlasting inheritance—since a death has taken place which rescues and delivers and redeems them from the transgressions committed under the [old] first agreement.  Hebrews 9:15 Amp version 




I don't know if this blog will help people or not. I just felt the covenant of Jesus Christ was worth sharing. I love the bigger picture of it all. In Exodus God sets up the tabernacle. He finishes it with Jesus' death and resurrection. 

My most favorite verses that really I believe put the nail in the coffin is...


 Since all have sinned and are falling short of the honor and glory ^[a]which God bestows and receives.

 [All] are justified and made upright and in right standing with God, freely and gratuitously by His grace (His unmerited favor and mercy), through the redemption which is [provided] in Christ Jesus,

 Whom God put forward, before the eyes of all, as a mercy seat and propitiation by His blood [the cleansing and life-giving sacrifice of atonement and reconciliation, to be received] through faith. This was to show God’s righteousness, because in His divine forbearance He had passed over and ignored former sins without punishment. Romans 3:23-26 Amp Version

If you don't understand why I gave up my old sexual sinful ways its because of Christ. I think that precious blood is worthy of my complete self. 

It all started back on June 25th this year and this verse is the reason for the process.

Then I saw a Lamb, looking as if it had been slain, standing in the center of the throne. Revelations 5:6a NIV version

Revelations chapter 5 changed my life. A cloud of Jesus imploded on me after reading that chapter. A chapter and boom! I'm surrounded by the Lamb who was slain! 

You are worthy to take the scroll (my life) and to open the seals (change me), and with your blood you purchased me for God. Revelations 5:9a NIV version 

He's worth it. I'm proof of that. I feel Christ all around me and hope everyone else can feel this closeness too!

I'll finish it with John the Baptist words about Christ,


The next day he (John the Baptist) saw Jesus coming toward him, and said, “Behold, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world! John 1:29 NIV version


Because of that precious blood from Christ himself, because of Christ thats why!

Emily 

7 days a wreck

The last 7 days.

Last week at this time I felt strong in Christ. I felt so blessed and so strong in Him. I was in the word, I stayed busy during idle time, and I really just had the mindset of obeying Christ.

This whole 'refinement process' is new to me. Convictions in the past were overlooked. Kind of like the idea of 'yah I'll probably get cancer for laying out in this hot sun, but it feels too good to worry about it now'.
But now, now I am. Again like I've stated in my previous blog post, its nothing I've done. I didn't even want this for me. For some reason Christ is giving/gifting me the strength to do this. Hes allowing me to see my convictions and really want to change.


 'apart from me you can do nothing' John 15:5


Getting back to the last 7 days. Looking back I see what happened. I was coming off of my 3rd week of this whole process and I letting it get to my head. I thought I could handle all my struggles and tempations on my own. 

Now I didn't really think those exact thoughts in my head but I did stop reading my devotion, the bible, and started watching a few as we call it in my home 'red flag' shows. And.just.like.that. I was back to my old ways. 

But it gets worse. 

by Tuesday I was actually bargaining with Jesus. You see its fall soon and all, ALL the good shows are coming back on TV. Just typing this now I feel temptation. I love,LOVE getting my fall line up every year. I love picking out the new shows I want to check out, and revisiting all the old shows. 

There's one show in particular I really, REALLY love. But I feel convicted watching it.
 
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Lord. Please let me be able to handle this show.'
'Its just a show and everyone watches it and I its so entertaining.'
'I promise it won't shape me or make me want to do the things it does on the show.'

Those ^^^ were just some of the arguments I had with Jesus this last tuesday. 

I don't want to name the show because for me personally its convicting, but to others it may not be at all and I don't want anyone to think they shouldn't watch it, this again is a personal struggle.

The underlying premise of this show is an affair. 

Its hot, steamy, and watching it I find myself wanting that. 

Yes that. 

I want to have an affair. 

Since I was a young teen I have always been drawn to the movies, shows, and books that entertain or flat out showcase an affair. The secrets, the sneaking around, the newness, and danger all appealed to me. And I know I am not the only one who likes these story lines. 

Looking now with this whole process I see that most if not all popular movies, chick flicks, shows, popular romance novels-ALL have some sort of an affair in them or element of an affair in them. 

This week I really struggled with this, with having to give up the show that had the steamy affair that I really, REALLY love.  

By Wednesday I had decided I would watch the first episode when it comes out this fall and see how I feel from there. 


I woke up on Thursday with a heart full of rebellion.  I was getting mad at this whole process. 
 I battled all day with Christ. I wanted to go back to my old ways, habits and not give a crap! 

'Its just shows and sex. Its just affairs and love. Its just human nature God!'

I was so worn out by Thursday evening with all the battles I decided to go to target by myself and get away from everything. 

And there.he.was. 

The guy I almost had an affair with when I first got married. 




He was my first love and seeing him there in target my knees buckled. 
I was so weak already. And he looked just like he did when we were 17 and in love.


We smiled, had small talk, and that old connection was there. It had never went away. We talked a normal amount of time, said our goodbyes and I went on shopping. 

But the whole rest of the night and Friday I thought about him and how we could easily, EASILY have an affair. I thought of how we could sneak around, get away with this, and still live our lives untainted. 

I was a mess my Friday evening and had a huge fight with my sweet husband over nothing. I couldn't tell him I bumped into 'that guy who I almost had that affair with' (he of course knows who he is being the hell we went through the 1st year) our first year of marriage. 

By saturday I was crawling back to Christ, back to my devotional, my Bible, my refinement process. 


Not even 7 days and I let my guard down and almost had an affair. 6 days really. 
I thought I could handle my weaknesses on my own. And I made a wreck in 6 days. 

You see I always thought I was just the type of girl/person to want to have an affair. But really I think anyone is capable of having it or tempting with it. Not just men who seem to be the ones who start it. 

We as women are very vulnerable and I believe personally that these shows, movies, and books that showcase these affairs don't help!!!! 

I don't want to go all baptist preacher but I think putting those ideas in our heads just makes us look at our marriages as boring, not enough. 

At least that's how I see it.  

You see before I bumped into that guy at target, that Wednesday night I had a marathon watching session with that show with the steamy affair. I'm not saying that show made me think the way I did, but I didn't have my mind on Christ. 

And look where that took me. 

My almost affair nearly wrecked me 3 years ago and just like that I don't acknowledge Christ in the ways I should and BOOM I'm about to do it again!

This verse came to me friday, I wasn't looking for this passage, but clearly Jesus wanted me to read it.

 
'They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion. But that’s no life for you. You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since, then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything—and I do mean everything—connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life—a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside and working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you. Ephesians 4: 17-24 The Message


I believe Christ had this passage written just for me! Nah not really but that Friday night reading this I felt like I was coming back.
after all 
I've learned Christ!

And I've paid careful attention to Him!

And He's so wonderful, and gracious that I want to be better for Him! 

Hes my one true love!!!!

Love this quote

"For every look at yourself, take ten looks at Christ. He is altogether lovely. -Robert Murray McCheyne


He really is. I was driving up to one of my favorite places to shop today alone and Christ really was weighing on my heart to share this conviction with you. This want to have an affair temptation/struggle. I was really mad at first at the idea of sharing this personal struggle, but Jesus really allowed me to see that these convictions I have and have been sharing with you are truly a blessing for me! The fact that I feel conviction is a blessing! Not a curse like I thought all this last week. 

He then put this passage in my heart today on my drive home.


Trust God from the bottom of your heart;
    don’t try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go;
    he’s the one who will keep you on track.
Don’t assume that you know it all.
    Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health,
    your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own;
    give him the first and the best.
Your barns will burst,
    your wine vats will brim over.
But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline;
    don’t sulk under his loving correction.
It’s the child he loves that God corrects;
    a father’s delight is behind all this.

Proverbs 3:5-12 (The Message)

Oh how I am thankful that Jesus lovingly corrected me this week and will continue to do so!

I'm so thankful He doesn't give up on us when we almost have affairs or actually have flow blown affairs!

Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track.

For 6 days I didn't listen to Gods voice or follow in His will for me and I made a mess of things.

But now I hope going into this new week I can continue to dive into the word and find more passages that fuel my want to overcome my struggles. I find when I am obedient to Him I feel a connection like no other. Its beyond words. Tonight on this Sunday I feel Him again, I feel His strength again, and I pray I can go to Him this entire week for everything.

Because of Christ,
Emily





 

I want to share in this journey.

no scratch that.

I'm scared to share in this journey.

For many reasons.

But mostly I don't want to come off as judgmental or 'baptist preacher on you'.

I'm convinced Jesus wants me to share in this journey.
Since revealing my struggles with worldly sex and 'soft core porn' I have felt such a peace, such a happiness I cannot explain in words, such a 'yes Emily you are doing this for me and its good (Christ speaking in terms), and I feel for the FIRST time ever in my life like I'm actually doing Christ work. Like I'm actually listening to Him and aligning with His will.

Now before I go further, I've personally done nothing. Christ has blessed me with a heart to be more like His. Meaning, I didnt reveal, submit, change, behave, obey, without Him helping and pushing me to do this. I take no glory in this. Its alllllllll from Him.

My first post was very long so I'm going to keep this short and focus today on my struggles to 'die to self' and ridding my life of all the temptations.

I am in a bible study called "Bible Study Fellowship" also known as "BSF". Its all over the world and both a men and women bible study. I happen to be in the daytime womens bible study on the southside of Indy. (if you are more interested in being apart of it email me (therefinementprocess@gmail.com)

So I love/adore BSF. I started 5 years ago and its truly brought me such wisdom on the bible, God, His character, and how I'm to live as a christian on this earth.
So blah blah blah I'm not going to go over everything I've learned from being apart of BSF, it would take all week to just begin to format the wisdom gained. But I will share with you something I learned way back in my first year at BSF.

Ann (the teaching leader at the time) was talking about living a life for Christ. I was in my early 20s and remember thinking, 'oh that does not sound fun'. She touched on how the only way we can live for Christ, is to well die to self. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

Die To Self.

At the time again 5 years ago. That was just like too much to handle. I was in no way ready to give up my wants/desires/hobbies/lifestyle to be more like Christ. Not just because I was SELFish, but I couldn't fathom Christ. I had never really ever studied the word (Bible). So I knew really very little about Christ.
But as the years went by, each year in BSF I learned more and more about Christ. But most importantly His character.

You see in order for me to have changed, or wanted to change I had to fall in love with this guy that died for me on the cross (not like in the romantic lovely way but in a 'He's my savior way). It had to become personal. It took 4 years but last year in BSF we studied Matthews. 

Oh on a side note: when I opened up Matthews to kind of restudy for this blog post, I felt this overwhelming feeling of Christ right by me, it felt very sacred, very touching.

So basically the book of Matthew is about Jesus, His life from beginning to end and all that happened in it. Matthew was one of his disciples. This is the study where I fell in love with my savior, Jesus. After studying it for 9 months at the end I wanted to stand on a table and proclaim His greatness and holiness but didn't want to seem weird! lol

My favorite part I studied were the 'Beatitudes'


You’re blessed when you’re at the end of your rope. With less of you there is more of God and his rule.

 “You’re blessed when you feel you’ve lost what is most dear to you. Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you.

 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are—no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.

“You’re blessed when you’ve worked up a good appetite for God. He’s food and drink in the best meal you’ll ever eat.

 “You’re blessed when you care. At the moment of being ‘care-full,’ you find yourselves cared for.

 “You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.

 “You’re blessed when you can show people how to cooperate instead of compete or fight. That’s when you discover who you really are, and your place in God’s family.

 “You’re blessed when your commitment to God provokes persecution. The persecution drives you even deeper into God’s kingdom.

Matthew 5:3-10

(From The Message version)

When I first read them, also read them in the 'NIV' version if you feel inclined, I felt overwhelmed. Its not at all the way the world wants us to be. The beatitudes basically boil down to 'dying to self'. And once again it was like 'no way God, I like me'. 
Its been about  a year since I first read the beatitudes, and since then, I've thought about those lines, all of em, almost daily. Even when I don't want to think about them I do. That can only mean Jesus wants me to bank my thoughts on these scriptures.

I feel like most of the beatitudes are happening in my life right now because of my revelation/Gods blessing of opening my heart for obedience.


In many ways I feel 'at the end of your rope'. Its both liberating to know I'm onto a 'new rope' that's for Christ, but also I'm afraid I wont be relevant in this world. I won't be cool.  

At times I feel  Ive 'lost what is most dear to me'. That being my books, shows, movies, hobbies, that I feel I can no longer be apart of. Satan has been really good this last week at making me feel I'm missing out by giving up 'the good'. 

But I also feel 'content'. So take that Satan! God has blessed me beyond all measures in so many ways. In my thoughts, my strengths, my idle time, and just the ability to obey Him. I feel content to obey Him. THIS IS HUGE for me! 

My 'appetite' is growing for Christ. I feel full in my life in a way that can only be attributed from Christ himself! That in and of itself is enough for me to continue on this journey! 

God has put me in certains lives at  this exact time to be 'caring'.  I have all these NEW passions I didn't know I had (because they were being masked by my worldly desires). I see myself helping young girls and showing them what sex is all about and how they perceive sex and themselves. I should note I don't know if this will happen but I feel God pulling me in this direction!

I know my 'heart and mind are being put right'. I'm convinced I'm doing this for Christ and because of it I feel a happiness I didn't know existed. 



I never thought I would ever really get the 'beatitudes' or at least not share in them. Its wonderful to know I'm apart of something that Christ preached and believed in!!!!


Okay so this was a little longer than I wanted it to be. 

I'm giving up many tv shows and movies, books, things I view online, and what I allow myself to see, that have sex or things that don't align with Gods will for me.

Its been both really challenging and so liberating this last week. I'm so thankful for Christ who gave me the courage, the obedience, and the words to share in this journey! 

To those who have been praying for me and have been such an encouragment- Thank you! 

To those that just don't understand my journey I hope I shredded some new light today. I hope to continue to share in this and hopefully help those who are struggling with sexual/worldy sins and desires.

 
 

I'll leave you with a passage written from Paul and I feel it most describes my life right now. 


And I’m going to keep that celebration going because I know how it’s going to turn out. Through your faithful prayers and the generous response of the Spirit of Jesus Christ, everything he wants to do in and through me will be done. I can hardly wait to continue on my course. I don’t expect to be embarrassed in the least. On the contrary, everything happening to me in this jail only serves to make Christ more accurately known, regardless of whether I live or die. They didn’t shut me up; they gave me a pulpit! Alive, I’m Christ’s messenger; dead, I’m his bounty. Life versus even more life! I can’t lose.
Philippians 1:18-21 

aside from the jail part, I feel like I'm apart of something bigger, something for Christ! 
and in the end its because of Christ. 

Yes, because of Christ, and rightfully so, 
Emily



 

The Refinement Process

I can’t believe I’m going to share this stuff with the public. I can’t even believe I’m at this point in my life where I feel the need to share or have the right to share in this journey.  I call it a journey because it is really. It all started back in June this year. But before I get ahead of myself I’ll take a moment to let you know more about me.

My name is Emily. I’m 27. I have been married to Kyle for 4 years this October. I’ve been with my hubby collectively almost 7 years.  I’m happily married. I both love Kyle and hate him all at the same time. If you’re not married you might not get what I’m saying.  We have a wonderful life here in Indianapolis Indiana. We live in a cute home that we adore. I have a kid. His name is Jim. We call him Jimmy mostly. I sometimes call him ‘Nell’. That came to be because he needs to slow down. Slow down Nell!  He never stops because he 1.5 years old. And I’m a tired momma because of it.

Oh real quick...

I’m not a writer. I’m not just saying that to just underplay my genius writing stills. I’M NOT A WRITER. Period. I literally just almost put 'righter' for ‘writer’. Mmmmmmk.  There will be mistakes, grammatical errors, totally messed up ways of putting a sentence together. This is your warning.  Alrightly then. Shall we?

OK so this is the part where it gets sticky. Dirty. And just plain raw. RAW. I  do not want to share this with you. I think God was crazy, C-R-A-Z-Y to pick me to tell you this.

 Conviction. I am a Christian. That basically boils down to the fact that I believe Jesus came to this earth many, many moons ago and lived a life, a short life, here to share His gospel, all His truths, and then die on the cross so I might live to be with Him in this awesome place called Heaven. Now to those that are ‘nonbelievers’ of Jesus Christ, or simply think He was a man on this earth many moons ago who just you know was a hip and nice fella who wore sandals, one who walked around dusty places with a group of men, and died horrible…well you might not get this whole thing I’m about to share with you.

And that’s OK. This isn’t just a post for Christian women. It’s not a post to tell people who don’t believe in Jesus that their doomed or that I think their horrible. It’s none of that. This is about how I feel. How I live my life. How I’ve lived my life. My thinking. My struggles. My pains. My convictions. So please understand you might not agree with me or my opinions. You might think I’m wacky for sharing something you think is totally fine! Please know this is a personal, personal journey. And What I’m sharing is just my opinion.

Conviction: the state of being convinced of error or compelled to admit the truth, a strong persuasion or belief.

I had to take the time to dictionary.com that. Because another crazy thing we Christians do. We have this thing on convictions. I believe I have the Holy Spirit living in me.  That basically means I have Jesus in my brain and heart telling me when I should or shouldn’t do something. A code per se of living. Again sounds nuts explaining it. But I have to. Because this whole struggle I’m having is because of my convictions.

Please to those that think I’m nuts just keep reading I'm getting to the

point of this post. The climax.

I like porn.

Ahhhh there it is.

I like watching it when people do it in movies. When Sookie and Bill or Eric hooked up in true blood. I love nakedness. And the heavy breathing. I like sex. I like reading about it. And Learning new stuff.

OK so before I go any further with this. I do need to state. I do not watch porn on the internet. I have in the past dabbled in it. But do not and have not for a while. This porn I speak of is I guess in worldly terms, soft core porn.

Since I was a young teen I loved reading about it in my romance novels, the teen first time having sex novels, the more adult ridiculous trashy romance novels. Basically I found at a young age reading it was fun. It made me feel good and you know it just is nice to read about sex.

Also watching all the HBO dramas and those wild sex scenes was just killer fun. The movies with the graphic stuff. Nice.  I found myself thinking it was totally fine for me to watch, read, see, and think about this kind of sexuality on a normal basis.

It wasn’t until this last winter. This really bad winter. Where it snowed and was way too cold, that I read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.  I ordered it with a bit of precaution. I’m not into that hardcore stuff. But everyone was reading it. Everyone. So I read it. I loved it. Loved it.

Let me take a moment to say I was not or am not into the kinky stuff that was in the book. But it didn’t mean I didn’t like reading it.

So there’s 3 in the series. I ordered the 2^nd one with a bit more caution. I felt this thing called ‘conviction’ and ya I rolled my eyes. “really God, I’m fine. I love my hubby. I’m just reading a romance book that happens to have a red sex room with ropes and whips. It’s totally fine Lord. I mean I’m not cheating on my hubby. I just love the male guy character. It’s fine. It’s fine.”

So I read the 2^nd book. And whoa. Whoa whoa. The convictions came in like a flood gate bursting open. I found myself comparing my hubby to Mr. Grey (who by the way ladies, he’s not real) and my life compared to the girls in the book. I became restless. Unhappy with my marriage.  Many other convictions came to mind. Like I’ll just state what they were like going through my head…”Is this book I’m reading doing anything for Christ” “Would Jesus read this book or books” “Maybe I should get another guy I can cheat with from time to time to you know just make things exciting again” “doesn’t Jesus want me to be happy” “does this book glorify Jesus or Satan” “is this OK for me to read when people know I go to church and believe in Jesus”

There were so many more thoughts and just so much guilt in my heart and head I could have exploded!!!!

But I ordered the 3^rd book. I did this and I remember saying to my Savior, the guy that took my place on the cross, for my icky sins, “Seriously, it’s just a book. And you already paid for this sin so it’s fine”. Yes I know. I cringe when I think I told Him that.

I read the first 3 pages. Let me also note that that book stayed on my book shelf…wait..wait..wait..Let me be honest...I hid all of them in my closet (look at that irony) for many, many weeks. I just didn’t like how my thoughts were going and the guilt I felt for my thoughts and I know it sounds weird but I felt Jesus just saying “do not read this!”

But like most Christians. We have weak moments. Where bad things happen. And I just wanted to finish the series for heaven’s sakes!

So again I started it and I swear the first paragraph in my kid woke up vomiting. Then once he was cleaned up and happily sleeping I opened that book up to start reading where I left off and all of a sudden I was overcome with pure and utter sleepiness. You see I’m not one to fall asleep easy. Ever. So the fact that I just like fell asleep I think was Jesus putting me to sleep.  He did not want me to read this.

The book was on the floor in the morning. It had fallen in a weird way and half the pages were bent. 

The next day or that evening really I started a bible study with a God sent group of women. We were studying Revelation.

By the 3^rd week in the Revelation study (mind you the 3^rd book was still not read since that night, still very bent up and put away in the closet) I knew God was calling me to not only NOT  read this final book. But to not read or watch anything that had sex in it. Oh my gosh.  I was like “really God, really?” Sex is everywhere. And gosh I want to watch all those cool shows! And Read those cool, hip, popular books!!!

I was mad. Pissed. So freakin mad at God.

Why would he take away something I love. I love reading, seeing, watching romances and sex. It makes me happy!!!!!

I still am mad.

But learning and reading in Revelation, oh there’s just too much to share... I came to the conclusion that Jesus is worthy. He’s worthy for me to listen to my convictions. And my conviction is to not partake in the ‘fifty shades of grey’ books or movie.

Which still makes me mad. I saw the trailer. It looks good. But every day in my head and my heart, I feel Him calling me to listen that He is worthy of my time and obedience.

Call me a crazy, wacky Christian lady. I feel I am called to not finish that book. And to not see that movie when it comes out this winter. I’m called to be obedient to Him.

This verse came to me one night when I was in just plain tears over knowing I had to stop watching and reading the shows and books that I love.

                ‘The Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. So do not be ashamed of the testimony about our Lord. Rather, join with me in suffering for the gospel, by the power of God. He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.’

2 Timothy 7-12

He has saved us and called us to a holy life.

Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that He is able to guard what I have entrusted to Him until that day.

I’m convinced Jesus has called me to share my struggles with sex, worldly ways of thinking on sex, and my struggle to not partake in the Fifty Shades of Grey popularity.

I do not know why. I do not know why he would call me, ME!!!! I am so weak!!!

           But he said to me (Jesus), “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.2 Corinthians 12:9

I don’t know how any of you will feel about this revelation I have had. Many will most likely think I’m nuts to follow Jesus to begin with. But I know more than anything on this earth that I want to have a holy life. That doesn’t mean I want to be perfect. What I want to do is wake up every day and give Jesus all my convictions, my desires, my ways, and tell him “you do this for me and shape me, REFINE me. Make me like you. Even if it hurts”

Which it does. This process has been such a refinement.

Refinement: to purify from what is coarse, vulgar, or debasing; make elegant or cultured. To bring to a fine or a pure state; free from impurities.

 I feel Jesus telling me to let Him refine me. And to share this particular refinement. 

I’m still struggling. I threw away all the books a couple of weeks ago. The last not being read beyond page 3. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to see the movie or be a part of this. But Jesus has called me to be obedient in this purification of my sexual sins. My desires are not right in His eyes and ultimately that’s what I’m here on this earth for. To glorify Jesus.

I hope I didn’t offend those that read the books and felt no conviction. This is again, a very personal conviction of mine. I just hope by opening up this truth of mine that maybe I can help other girls/women out there struggling with sexual desires and convictions.

Thanks so much for reading. And please Pray for me as this struggle is just newly surfaced and it’s going to be along refinement process!

I’ll leave you with my favorite verses of all times and I believe it’s perfect for this.

        The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I’m tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I’ve dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn’t want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God’s righteousness.

Philippians 3:7-9 (The Message)

Because of Christ, and rightfully so,

Emily