Its been one month today since I had my little girl. I knew that having a new baby and finding a new normal would take up a lot of my time and summer for that matter. What I didn't expect or prepare for was how rebellious I would and could become in just 4 weeks.
I quickly learned at the beginning of this refining that I needed to lay down ground rules for myself. I am a very disciplined person in life so I knew that if I didn't have certain standards in what I allow in my brain and heart then I would fail this whole process.
I call things I shouldn't be watching, seeing, reading, doing, and etc "red flags". Red flags because I just picture a big stop sign or really big flapping flag in my face saying "NO!'' ''STOP!''
Here are just a few ground rules I have established this last year. (I say shows but I also mean movies, books, and anything with this as the entertainment)
1. Shows with extramarital affairs as the backbone
2. Shows with nudity and lots of graphic sex in them
3. Shows that promote premarital sex and teen shows that go out of their way to show teens having sex together and all that jazz.
4. Shows that promote any dangerous sexualized thinking. (Fifty Shades of Grey for example)
5. Shows with actors that I find really good looking. (like for example I avoid all movies with Zac Efron in them because I crush way too hard on him)
6. Not watching trailers that are red flag movies/shows.
So that's just some of them. This all started with my struggles with Fifty Shades of Grey so this last year being that the movie came out and it seemed to be everywhere I made guide lines to avoid commercials while the trailer showed, avoided movie theaters entirely, and avoiding clicking anything about it online.
So with these guide lines or personal refinement rules I really stuck to them. I was a good girl. A good Christian as some would describe. I fleed from so much sexual sin.
But. Then. Summer. Happened.
And my bible study was done till September.
And I just had a baby and needed something to watch/read/enterain me while she nursed at night (or day even when Jim was idol).
And I was so tired physically and mentally (from again learning my new normal with two kids)that I deserved some flexibility.
And I had been so good for 12 months and summer is all about a break right?
And I was WAS NOT watching 602 shows (OK not really that much but close lol) because of this refining process why can't I watch one or read one book this summer that maybe wasn't in my guide lines?
Damn you dumb guide lines!!!!!! (sorry for the curse word, felt needed to prove my frustration)
Oh sweet summer time.
I love summer time. But what is it about summer that makes me want to be extra rebellious and free?
As a teen it was finding a guy to have a fling with or 'summer love'.
In college it was having the break from school and staying out super late and doing things that I shouldn't be doing.
Before kids as a young adult it was having girls nights and complaining about our boyfriends/new husbands/work and drinking margs at the local Mexican restaurant.
With kids and married it has been coveting freedom or that precious alone time. Both are not bad in context but can be quite ruthless if your not on guard as a Christian.
So this summer I had a baby the first of June and pretty much chalked up my summer as being all about my new baby, balancing my two year old, and finding date nights with my hubby. I didnt expect myself to rebel against this process.
Am I rebelling you say against my guidelines and this process?
Yes. kindof. I think?
Thats my answer for you.
Ok. Yes. I am.
See even now I'm being rebellious.
So I was not going to write this till I gave up my rebellion. Whats my rebellion you say?
No its not an affair.
No its not me reading the last Fifty Shades of Grey.
No its not me texting someone I should not.
No its not me lusting after a certain movie I can't see.
No its something else. Its a tv show.
And I'm still watching it. Yes you see I wasn't going to write this blog till I gave it up and then tell you how I learned to be obedient and all the blessings that came from it.
No I'm writing now just because I'm an honest person I like to think and I want you to know that I am being rebellious and not listening mostly.
That word. Mostly is where I'm at this summer.
I'm mostly being good this summer.
Here is the definition of Mostly: In large part; mainly or chiefly; usually; as a rule
So I am mostly good in this process. I am only watching one show that I consider a red flag. Its has sex in it. Not an affair but the lady has two different husbands at different times but its complicated. It has nudity in it major (but its not the kind that bothers me per say) and it really has a hot hot guy as the main character that I adore.
that paragraph ^^^ right up there. RED FLAGS. RED FLAGS. RED FLAGS. NO NO NO. STOP STOP STOP.
But I have not. I keep saying to Jesus:
I'm being mostly good.
I have given up so much already.
The show doesnt really bother me usually.
It helps me stay awake during night feedings.
Keeps me going on boring stay at home mommy days.
I could go on and on with my bargains with Jesus and my mostly mentality.
You see summer brings out this rebellion in me to do what I want to. and mostly I want to watch this show. So I am.
I am surely missing so many blessings by not giving it up. But I'm rebellious.
This blog post will be rough to read for those who think I'm perfect. But I'm not.
I know many now will be praying I can stop watching this show. And your prayers are much needed. Because me, I'm not praying I stop. Because Jesus tends to always answer my prayers and I really want to finish this show.
Gosh this is rough to write because I sound so rebellious.
But I felt the call to share in my rebellion with you.
I'm struggling to keep with my guidelines and stay near Jesus this summer.
I know I cannot be alone as summer brings more idol time for many and alone time and personal time can be the worst for us adults.
I don't know how to end this blog today because usually my blogs end with good notes and blessings I have received but being I'm rebellious I have none to share.
So I'll share this.
Create in me a pure heart O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Psalm 51:10
I so need people to be praying that verse for me.
Rebellious Summer heart